


We All Have a Breaking Point

by Dreaming_of_the_stars42



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Boyfriends, Caring Spock (Star Trek), James T. Kirk Has Issues, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other, Sick James T. Kirk, Spock is a Good Friend (Star Trek), space boyfriends, spirk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:20:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22590046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreaming_of_the_stars42/pseuds/Dreaming_of_the_stars42
Summary: Jim Kirk and the rest of the enterprise crew is a few days out from a particularly hard first contact mission in which several crew members were killed. Most of the crew is unaffected on the surface and has already gone back to normal operations. However, Jim has been overworking himself to complete the paperwork involved and he feels guilty for the events the occurred. The combination of overworking himself, the strain of the responsibility of captaincy, and his own overly moral compass cause him to have a breakdown. Spock is the first one to find him and makes sure that his captain knows it's not his fault.TD;LR: Jim Kirk feels guilty for a first contact mission gone wrong and has a mental breakdown after working himself to death.  Spock is there to make sure that he gets through it.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 10
Kudos: 66





	1. The Breaking Point

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. I know I promised a story forever ago but I'm a pre-med molecular biology major and it's been crazy! There's going to be more to this story and it's already written! I just need to type it up. 
> 
> FYI this hasn't been beta'd or even read over twice by me so I'm sorry for all the inevitable errors. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Jim exited the turbolift onto Deck 5 running into a small crowd of people waiting to get on. Several 'good mornings' and 'have a nice days' were said with a bright smile as he waded through them. Others were emerging from their quarters and sauntering down to join the turbolift line. It was just after 1600 and everyone was flocking to the mess hall to get dinner after alpha shift ended. Jim was returning from alpha shift to grab a shower and a coffee before he reported for duty on night shift as well. He sauntered to his quarters smiling brightly to those flocking to the turbolift and exchanged friendly pleasantries on the way.

Once Jim reached his quarters, he slipped inside and as soon as the doors closed behind him, he fell back against the doors. The bright smile fell from his face, his shoulders slumped down from their once proud position they had held before they hit the doors, and his knees buckled to just keep him standing against the doors. For a few seconds he leaned there with his eyes closed before he took a deep breath and threw his top half forward forcing his legs to move so he didn't collide with the floor not opening his eyes until he had already taken a few steps. He made his way to the bathroom each step seemingly heavier than the last. He turned on the shower and grabbed a glance at himself in the mirror almost shocked to see himself. His eyes had bags under them barely hidden by the thin layer of foundation he put on the previous night. He had in fact worked from yesterday's alpha shift through todays alpha shift. He'd been awake for 22 hours and still had time to go, as he was scheduled to work beta shift tonight. He'd been filling out page after page of paperwork after the incidents of their last first contact mission that resulted in a disaster. He lost 20 crew members after a seemingly peaceful and gracious society decided that they were lower lifeforms and would best be served on a plate full of "swaxaste" sauce. His face was pale and his hair was slightly astray. His uniform was wrinkled to hell and it seemed ever so looser on his body. Sighing and shaking his head to try to clear the images of his dead cremates from his mind, Jim focused again at the task at hand finding he hadn't the energy to shower. He hadn't the energy for anything really, but he worked because the crew members he lost deserved at least that. He should be able to write their families some letter of comfort, to ensure them that they didn't die in vain, and to make sure every single one of those crew members got a medal for their bravery. He should be able to do that much. So Jim stepped into the shower with his uniform still on. At first it repelled the water but a few seconds the whole uniform was drenched in hot water. It hung on his body almost as much as the guilt that had been hanging on him for days. Eventually, it was just too much. Jim's kneed buckled and he fell forward only just catching himself on the shower wall with his hands. He locked his elbows and just let his head drop between his arms. He went to stand up again, to strip the clothes off, to cleanse himself of the last few days but he could barely bring himself to stay standing. So, he stayed that way and it wasn't long before Jim forgot where he was and what he was doing. Jim's consciousness was swimming in a pool of guilt, and it was drowning.

Spock had been in his quarters when Jim returned and although he does not actively make an effort to listen in to others through the walls, his Vulcan hearing can't help it. So, he of course heard the shower in their shared bathroom turn on and although he didn't note the exact time, he knew at least an hour had passed by now. Spock considered the many possibilities for which their shower would be running for over an hour combined with his observations of Jim over the last 48 hours. He began with the least invasive inquiries first. He theorized it may have been possible for Jim to have been called away and he forgot to turn the shower off.

"Computer. Where is the location of Captain Kirk?"

"Captain Kirk is in his quarters."

This caused Spock some concern and decided is may be prudent to offer assistance. So, Spock approached their shared bathroom and called Jim's name through the door. He received no response so this time he called much louder, also receiving no response. Spock decided invading Jim's privacy in order to confirm his safety was prudent so, he announced his entry before typing in his emergency override.


	2. The Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim finally breaks under the pressure of a combination of sleep deprivation, malnutrition, stress, and self-inflicted hate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for reading and I really hope you enjoy! Let me know if you'd like it to keep going or if you think it should end here. I can't really decide. I have more written full of more fluff/angst but I'm not sure if you guys want more to the story. Please let me know!!  
> Also, I apologize again that this story is not proofread or beta'd. I don't have a beta and I barely have time just to type the story up. Hope you enjoy anyway! :)

Spock stepped into their shared bathroom turning to face the shower. The marbling of the shower door distorted Jim’s image but Spock could make out Jim’s slumped body. The first thing he noticed was the darkened gold of Jim’s command uniform. The next he saw Jim’s body was only just barely being held up by his arms outstretched against the front shower wall. Finally, he saw Jim’s head hung in between his arms his hair soaked, no longer kept, flowing over his forehead.   
“Jim?” Spock questioned seeing that Jim made no attempt to acknowledge his entry despite seemingly conscious.   
“Hm?” Jim only barely lifted his head and turned it toward Spock to acknowledge him finally realizing he was there.   
“Do you require assistance?” Spock questioned. Jim heard the concern slip through Spock’s voice.   
“No Spock. I’m fine.” Jim answered in the negative but nothing in his tone was convincing. Just after saying it, he let his head drop between his arms again, his body was tired of holding it up.   
“You have been in the shower for 1.13 hours in your command uniform. You have also worked two shifts in a row and have now missed night shift. By this standard, I am also assuming that you have likely also not received the proper nutrition for at least the last 24 hours considering your shift hours, the amount of reports you have completed, and the way you are holding yourself up. The only conclusion is that, “fine,” is not an accurate account of your state of being.” Spock voice was terse, commanding, and he seemed to hiss out the word fine as if it angered him.   
Jim didn’t mean to upset him, but he could feel Spock’s disappointment or anger with him. He couldn’t tell. The last thing Jim needed was Spock angry with him, but he had every right to be. Jim’s mind swam in those thoughts long enough that he forgot to respond to Spock and his body became heavier with each attacking thought and slowly his back began to get pulled from its straight position toward the floor of the shower. Spock noticed Jim slowly falling and tried to call his attention back.   
“Jim?” Spock asked again in his even Vulcan tone.   
“I was just trying to shower…” was Jim’s only response.   
“Okay,” Spock responded. “Will you let me help you?”  
Finally noticing that his body was close to losing any chance of not hitting the ground and not having the energy to correct it, Jim agreed.   
“Yea.”   
So, Spock stripped off his boots, socks, trousers, and science blues leaving him in his undershirt and underwear. He opened the marbled door to the shower and Jim raised his head to look into Spock’s eyes. Spock looked back at him seeing that Jim’s eyes that are usually filled with the stars from the viewscreen and the playfulness of a child were as dull as the bulkheads and weren’t focusing correctly. Jim easily got lost into Spock’s eyes seeing pain, all the pain that he couldn’t prevent, that he should’ve prevented. Completely losing reality again, Jim’s weight shifted forward and with it his body fell toward the front wall and the ground. Spock caught him before he hit the ground by grabbing Jim under his armpits. The abrupt stop brought Jim back.   
“Thanks Spock.”   
“I’m going to take off your uniform so that you can shower.” Spock responded quietly now that he was right next to Jim. “Hold onto me so that you do not fall again.”   
Jim nodded as Spock gently pulled him to his feet. Jim locked his knees again to stay standing and lightly held onto Spock’s shoulders. Spock kneeled down and began to unzip Jim’s boots and took each boot and sock off one by one before he removed Jim’s trousers and underwear. He did everything slowly to allow Jim time to adjust his weight so that he wouldn’t fall again standing on one leg, but Jim threw most of his weight onto Spock’s steady shoulders. Once Jim’s bottom half was free of his clothing, Spock collected it and tossed it into the back corner of the shower before standing up and placing his arms under Jim’s arms again.   
“You’ll need to sit now.” Spock said and Jim almost collapsed at those words. His body was just so heavy. Spock let him down gently before bending down and grabbing the tail of his command shirt and pulling it over his head and tossing it into the corner with the rest of Jim’s clothes. He stripped Jim of his undershirt next in the same manner leaving Jim fully naked. Spock washed Jim’s body gently. Jim let Spock maneuver his body and moved with Spock’s pressure like Jell-O. Spock let Jim wash the more sensitive areas by himself before Spock stepped out of the way of the shower head letting the warm water wash over Jim and clear his body of the soap.   
“Close your eyes.” Spock said stepping back in front of the stream of water to wash Jim’s hair. Jim did as he was asked as Spock lathered Jim’s hair in shampoo and then let the water wash over him until it ran clear.   
Once Jim was clean, Spock turned off the shower and opened the door grabbing a towel off the nearby rack.   
“Jim you must stand again,” Spock said while positioning his arms below Jim’s armpits again. Jim nodded and leaned forward allowing Spock to help tow him up. Once he was standing, Jim’s vision went dark for a second and he wobbled. Spock held firmly to him until he was steady, and Jim held to Spock’s midsection for support careful only to touch what was covered by Spock’s soaked undershirt. Spock wrapped the towel around Jim and guided him out of the shower depositing him onto the lid of the toilet.   
“I will return shortly,” Spock stated exiting the bathroom into his quarters collecting underclothes for both of them and a set of Vulcan robes for them both knowing that the weight and warmth of the robes would likely help Jim. Returning to the bathroom, Spock removed the towel from around Jim and dried the rest of Jim’s body before dressing him gently into the dry clothes.   
Jim’s mind was still drifting, and he only stayed in the present enough to keep himself balanced as Spock dressed him. Once Spock placed the Vulcan robe over Jim’s head, Jim could smell him. The robe smelled like Friday night chess. He could smell Spock’s quarters: the smell of a candle being blown out, Vulcan spiced tea, even some traces of Spock were left on the robe. It was peaceful and brought his mind back to reality. When his eyes focused, his saw Spock drying off his naked body with the other towel from the rack and watched him dress himself.   
“Thank you…” Jim said lowly.   
Spock turned to meet Jim’s eyes that now seemed aware but pained. Spock simply nodded before adding his own thoughts. “Perhaps you should visit Dr. McCoy.”   
“No,” Jim answered firmly.  
“Jim…” Spock began but was cut off.   
“I don’t want him to know; It’ll upset him,” Jim conceded.   
Spock knew that Jim would rather suffer than upset any of those close to him and attempting to convince him any further would likely only result in Jim shutting Spock out as well, so Spock respected his wishes.  
“Okay.”   
A few seconds of silence followed allowing Jim to focus on a point beyond the bulkhead of the bathroom.   
“You should get some rest,” Spock spoke softly.   
Jim nodded. He was tired; He had been tired. He could sleep especially when Spock spoke to him like that. It was comforting. He had only heard the soft suggestive tone once before, just after he woke up after dying.   
Seeing that Jim made no move to get up, Spock closed the distance of a few feet between them and kneeled down slipping an arm under Jim’s knees and another behind his back before hoisting Jim up into his arms and carrying him into Jim’s quarters. Spock laid Jim down in his bed and pulled the covers over him.   
“Computer, lights 0%,” Spock commanded and made his way to the door adjoining their rooms.  
“Spock?” Jim questioned the darkness.  
“I am retrieving my reports, I will return shortly,” Spock replied almost reading Jim’s mind. “Rest.”   
“Alright,” Jim replied closing his eyes and attempting to fall asleep.   
Spock returned shortly after with a collection of PADs and sat at Jim’s desk beginning to work on the stack of Jim’s reports before he finished his own. Jim listened to the quiet tapping of Spock’s fingers on the PADs typing up reports to ground his mind and he fell asleep within 15 minutes.


End file.
